Morning funny....

dfree383 wrote:An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Here's a cowboy one, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vm2jPM4ee8

(You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!! )

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she asked, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, and if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

*********
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
but, the worst is when you forget to pull it down.


*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent’s Hospital in Sydney for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,

the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,

it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,

that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Years ago I was w/this ole gal and something similar happened. ole never mind

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

If you don't laugh out loud on this one, your "laughter" is broken!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back,
he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam,
you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth
50%of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave
you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,which I've
never seen done in my entire career".

That was the best one in quite a while Dave.

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.




Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.





Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

no.12

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio , forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

**********

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers..

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Don't mess with old people

Weenie Test

Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
Picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
You cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
Buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
Buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
To the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
Buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
Cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
Old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
You are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
Dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
Old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
Cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
That would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
Quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like Sh it
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
Paper."

You guy's ain't right

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP!
Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

( NOW I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, THAT'S FUNNY!)

The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late,
so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that
will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!

It almost got me killed!

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

.----- ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING

If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel) show.

Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque next weekend.

He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.

He should use a D11. Where do I sign up to be the back up stunt driver ???

COFFEE HURTS

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)