Morning funny....

-A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client .
"Sam, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
Sam replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

You can retire to Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR-

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

-OR-

You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

-OR-

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dave…No mention of Alabama?

Oops. Never mind… nobody retires here.

Would Alabama fall under Deep South?

A guy walks into a store and asks for an RC Cola and a Moon Pie.
The clerk says, “You must be from Alabama.”
Man: That’s quite offensive. I ask for RC and a Moon Pie, and you assume I’m from Alabama.
If I asked for Polish sausage, would you assume I was Polish??
Clerk: Nope.
Man: If I asked for spaghetti, would you assume I’m Italian??
Clerk: Nope.
Man: But I ask for RC and a Moon Pie and you assume I’m from Alabama!!! Why??
Clerk: Because you’re in a hardware store.

Nine reasons to vote Democrat


#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.


#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.


#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.


#6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion. It will take the police an average of about 15 minutes to get to your house; 00 buckshot travels at about 1200 ft/sec.


#5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.


#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.


#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.


#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.


And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries. "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits". Albert Einstein I know you all will appreciate this definition.

Thanks everyone for your phone calls and concern.

First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though.

For those of you that aren’t aware, I was robbed at at gas station earlier this morning.

After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!

My money is gone however.

The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them,

“Yes, it was pump number 2.”

FJB

The officer said, "You drinking?"

I said, "You buying?"

We just laughed and laughed....

I need bail money.………

Bert at 77 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 70 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Just for the Hell of it All, Why Not.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jSTiKHOFEI


It's from a famous old Seinfeld Chip, and is still funny.