Morning funny....

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

'Watch that wall!'

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each
one to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly
discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to
using newspaper advertisements as a “code” to let the mother know how
their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives
with a single message, simply: “MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE”.

Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says:”Satisfaction to the last drop…..”

So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a
message that reads: “ROTHMAN’S MATTRESSES”. So, the Mother looks
at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says: “FULL SIZE, KING SIZE”.

Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. After
four weeks came the message: “BRITISH AIRWAYS”. And Mother looks
into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:
“THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.”

THE RESURRECTION:
The children were gathered on the front pew one Sunday morning for the Children's Sermon.
The minister asked, "Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy blurted out, "I'm not quite sure but I do know that if you have a resurrection that lasts longer than four hours, you have to see a doctor."
It took about ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue with the worship service

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile
when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He
found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama
hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling
frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the
grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the
semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball
bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged
the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republicans and Democratics, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was
that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to Maryland and get another one?"

>
>
> Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
> Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
> Saturday.
>
> His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
> So for his birthday she takes him to a local
> Strip club.
>
> The doorman at the club greets them and says,
> "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

> His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
> This club before.
>
> "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."
>
> When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
> If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
>
>
> His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
> And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
>
> "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
> I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
>
> A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
> Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
> Over him and says...
> "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
>
> Vern's wife, now furious,

Grabs her purse and
> Storms out of the club.
>
> Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
> Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
>
>
> Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
> Must have mistaken him for someone else,
> But his wife is having none of it
>
> She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
> Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
>
> The cabby turns around and says,
>
> 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Never under estimate the strategy of a thinking women.

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:



While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear

charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….

the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order.

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

... WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

My wife asked me the other day, "At your age, what would you prefer to get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Crown Royal, than to forget where you keep the bottle."

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do!"

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When mum and dad get back, dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mum will go to bed and have sex, and mum will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mum and catch the disease... and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Sexing flies;

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.

Jess

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes.

"Hello toes.", he said.

"How are you? You know, you are 92 today.

Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the

summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor?

Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees.", he continued.

"How are you? You know you're 92 today..

Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade?

Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together.

Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch.

"Hello Willie! You little Prick, Just think.

If you were alive today, you'd be 92

In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour
psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough
estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his home . The house also has
a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!"
and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called
"mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma , he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve
judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity
of stored food.

In Montana , he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

and . . . .

In Texas , he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy" .

Just Fred


A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.
" The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, Choi!" I didn't know that Mary worked here ..."

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the
neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb......
But all men...Are men!

NOT SO MUCH ANYMORE...

BEST BAR JOKE... EVER







Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey..." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.







The guy leaves..., but he is curious...







So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Lions and MSU.







The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.







He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . how's the Chevy running lately?"

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'F#*k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

Now thats some funny shit right there.