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Morning funny....

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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Free kittens...

Post  Mustang-junky January 28th 2013, 12:05 am


A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.


Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm the President of the United States. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrat supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted.

As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"




Obama's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from Fox, ABC, CNN and Sky News,

cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republican supporters."

Taken by surprise, Obama stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRAT SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."

Jess
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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Re: Morning funny....

Post  Mustang-junky January 28th 2013, 12:08 am

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches

Jess
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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Re: Morning funny....

Post  dfree383 January 28th 2013, 12:33 am

cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers
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Post  racnrick January 29th 2013, 1:00 pm

David Letterman's
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun



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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Re: Morning funny....

Post  dfree383 January 29th 2013, 10:59 pm

Why Grandfathers are different......

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son's of bitch's anywhere we went!"

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Post  dfree383 January 30th 2013, 11:04 am

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
...
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Re: Morning funny....

Post  Larry Williams January 30th 2013, 1:55 pm



.


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

What a ferocious creature!, exclaimed the young fried alien. He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never fuck with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'















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Post  dutchman January 30th 2013, 3:21 pm


Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.

Tom: I want a billion dollars!

Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??

Genie: Done. Done.

Tom : And what is your wish genie?

Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.

Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??

The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.
When it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?
Wife answers: 35.
Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie stories =))

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Post  dfree383 January 31st 2013, 12:02 am

SEX with Ghosts ..

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Probably a repeat.... But still funny.

Post  dfree383 January 31st 2013, 12:11 am

A mother was driving the family station wagon behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits her windshield dead-on, sticking to it.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"

To which her 8 year old says, "I'm surprised it could even fly with a dick that big."

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Post  dutchman January 31st 2013, 9:58 am


One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

"Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.

"The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shock and disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this.”

"The devil smiled and said..........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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Post  dfree383 January 31st 2013, 11:47 am

cat cheers
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Post  dfree383 February 3rd 2013, 9:30 am

A teacher walked around her class asking each of the kids what do they
really need at home?

Joey said, "A computer."

The teacher replied, "That would be very useful."

Kimmy said, "A new lawn mower." and got a similar response.

Little Johnny popped up and said, "At my house we don't need nothing!.. "

The teacher asked him to think again carefully, "Everybody needs something..."

Little Johnny replied, "No, I'm sure... When Obama was re-elected, I
remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last thing we needed"
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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Repeat but funny !

Post  dfree383 February 3rd 2013, 10:29 am

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his h...ome. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'

After a moment,the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
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Post  dfree383 February 7th 2013, 1:38 am

A rich industrialist was horrified to find a fisherman lying comfortably beside his boat smoking a pipe.

“Why aren’t you out fishing?” asked the industrialist.

“I’ve caught enough fish for the day,” said the fisherman.

”Why don’t you catch some more?” asked the industrialist.

”What would I do with them?” said the fisherman.

”Earn more money. Then you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters to catch more fish. That would bring you money to buy nylon nets, so more fish, more money. Soon you would have enough to buy two boats, even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me!” said the industrialist.

“What would I do then?” The fisherman asked.

”Then you could sit back and enjoy life!” said the industrialist.

”What do you think I’m doing right now?” said the fisherman.


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Post  Mustang-junky February 9th 2013, 11:35 pm

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.

Jess
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Post  Mustang-junky February 9th 2013, 11:38 pm

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Jess
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Post  schmitty February 10th 2013, 10:11 am

One day, Adam was taking a walk with his two sons Cain and Abel. As they were walking around, they came upon The Garded of Eden which had been reduced to ruins, and Abel asked his dad what that was. Adam turned and looked him in eye and said, that was where we used to live before your mother ate us out of house and home.
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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

Post  dfree383 February 12th 2013, 10:00 am

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,

'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?
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Post  Larry Williams February 12th 2013, 2:36 pm


A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

'Go and get help!' he cried. 'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!' 'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'

The guy looked at the shoe and fainted.......! !!!!!!!!
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Post  dutchman February 15th 2013, 9:54 am

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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Post  Larry Williams February 17th 2013, 6:41 pm


A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facility, the CEO notices a guy leaning against the wall. The room is full of workers and he sees this great opportunity to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "and how much do you make a week?"

Surprised, the young guy gulps and replies, "I make about $300 a week."

The CEO reaches in his pocket, pulls out $300, shoves it in the guy's face and screams, "Here's a week's pay; now get out of here and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about the example he has just established, the CEO looks around the room and asks,

"Now, does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin one of the other workers replied, "That was the Domino's Pizza delivery boy."
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Post  Larry Williams February 18th 2013, 9:35 am

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......Wink
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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Experience does come with age ,,,,

Post  Larry Williams February 18th 2013, 11:50 am



A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ,,,,,

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous & none of us realizes the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.


But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have,
or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"

After several quiet seconds, a 70-yr-old man
in the front row raised his hand & softly said ,,,,,,



"Wedding cake !"
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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Re: Morning funny....

Post  dfree383 February 18th 2013, 12:12 pm

lol!
dfree383
dfree383
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Morning funny.... - Page 19 Empty Re: Morning funny....

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