Re: Morning funny....

supervel45 November 9th 2016, 3:43 am

Media Polls. HaHa. Very Happy

supervel45 December 5th 2016, 12:17 pm

dfree383 December 5th 2016, 5:03 pm

dfree383 May 15th 2017, 7:46 pm

Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound. The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rang. The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.” The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!”

aquartlow May 16th 2017, 8:18 am

Here's a little Jerry Clower: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=266vruLtd1o
My kids got a real kick out of this one, especially visualizing the story. Hope this gives a smile.

maverick May 16th 2017, 9:06 am

dfree383 wrote:Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound. The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rang. The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.” The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!”

aquartlow wrote:Here's a little Jerry Clower: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=266vruLtd1o
My kids got a real kick out of this one, especially visualizing the story. Hope this gives a smile.

Do you know the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?............................

The position of the dirtbag. Rolling Eyes

D. Sea May 17th 2017, 8:39 am

Ha!

supervel45 June 2nd 2017, 11:46 am

dfree383 June 17th 2017, 10:40 am

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MzQ4qdlhurc&feature=youtu.be

maverick September 28th 2017, 9:23 pm

A farmer placed an ad in the local weekly advertiser. "White mule for sale. $10. Phone xxx-xxxx."

A man called the farmer and said, "I'll take it. I'll be there first thing in the morning with my trailer."

When the man showed up with the trailer, the farmer said, "I've got some bad news. Last night that mule up and died. I'm sorry you wasted the trip."

The fellow said, "Well maybe I'm still interested. If you'll use your tractor to load the mule on my trailer, I'll give you $5 for it."
So, thinking the man was crazy, the farmer took the $5, loaded up the dead mule and waved as the man drove away.

3 weeks later, the farmer bumped into the same man at the hardware store. He said, "Mister, it's been bugging me ever since you bought that dead white mule....what in hell did you want it for?"

The man said, "Oh, that?? Well, I raffled it off. I sold 1500 chances to win the mule, at a dollar a chance."

The farmer said, "Holy shit! I bet you pissed some people off, didn't you??"

The man said, "Well, come to think of it, there was that one fella....so I gave him his money back."

dfree383 November 11th 2017, 8:54 am

“did you hear about the retiring rabbi who wanted to give himself a nice retirement present that was a souvenir from his chosen profession?
He saved 40 years’ worth of foreskims from circumcisions, and took them to a taxidermist to make something nice.
The taxidermist scratched his beard for a minute, thinking and then said “I’ve got just the thing! Come back in two weeks.”
Two weeks later, the rabbi goes back, and the taxidermist says “Rabbi! Welcome back! I’ve got it right here—I think you’ll be very pleased,” and he reaches under the counter and pulls out a nice wallet.
The rabbi is incredulous. “Vaat de Hell is dis?? I bring you 40 years’ worth of circumciaions, and all you can do with them is make me a vallet?!”
The taxidermist says “hold your horses there, rabbi: stroke it a few times, and it turns into a suitcase.”

supervel45 November 18th 2017, 4:48 am

Mustang-junky February 9th 2018, 6:51 pm

My cousin just called and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent... And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my Aunt phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Aunt proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!!
So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times... So I called her back and said, "yea, I can help you"
A couple hours later, I got a call from the local jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
You’re welcome

Jess

dfree383 February 28th 2018, 2:03 pm

THE EXAM

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband,

"Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."

Mark Miller February 28th 2018, 11:36 pm

dfree383 wrote:THE EXAM

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband,

"Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."

LOL,Nice!!!! Smile

dfree383 June 24th 2019, 3:13 am

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Mark Miller June 24th 2019, 10:52 pm

dfree383 wrote:The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

LOL!!

dfree383 October 3rd 2019, 8:39 am

The Male Cycle Of Life

Familiar Story... :-)

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion; I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

The when I was 22, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 26, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground; I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I'm much older and wiser now. I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

dfree383 April 17th 2020, 6:30 pm

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"

"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.

"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment.”
“You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat,
there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”

Frank Merkl April 22nd 2020, 12:47 pm

A wife yelled to her husband from upstairs, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across you body? Like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned the husband shouted back " No ..." She responds " How about Now ? "
LOL

airford1 April 27th 2020, 7:14 pm

NO Parts spelled backwards is "Strap On"

Mark Miller April 27th 2020, 11:42 pm

airford1 wrote:NO Parts spelled backwards is "Strap On"

dfree383 June 17th 2021, 6:29 pm

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you.”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

dfree383 February 3rd 2022, 6:09 pm

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

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